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One Man's View
of Valentine's Day
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Here's a great column, submitted by a reader, that looks at how some men see the spectre of Valentine's Day and
all its romantic implications!
It's Not Just Any Day, You Know. . .
Valentines Day is often a polarizing force for guys and girls. Take the whole idea of an elegant date
for instance. A girl will see a Valentines date as an opportunity to get decked out shell buy a new
dress and look her finest. Meanwhile, 10 minutes before the date, a guy is scrambling through the clothes
littering his floor, searching for an outfit with minimal wrinklage and odor. Girls have heart shaped
dreams of Valentines romance dinner with Romeo, mutual disclosure in conversation, and poetry praising
their virtues. Guys wish they were back in elementary school and could just sign their names to a batch
of Snoopy cards and stick em anonymously into tissue-paper-decorated shoeboxes.
Guys and girls rarely see eye-to-eye, and sometimes go toe-to-toe over the holiday of love. Valentines
Day can even turn the nicest of guys from Jekyll to Hyde. Take myself, for instance I always tried to
be a good boyfriend. I planned creative and fun dates and treated girls with respect. But February, like
a full moon to a werewolf, aroused my inner demons. Just when life was going great Id see the inevitable
red decorations of Valentines Day.
Let me be clear Ive never petitioned Congress to have Valentines Day expunged from the calendar,
organized Hallmark sit-ins, or led a million-man protest march but I just couldnt embrace Valentines
Day without working through some issues. Sadly, this emotionally damaged every unfortunate girl who dated
me in early February.
For years Valentines Day didnt strike my heart with love, but fear. If I was sans girlfriend, this was
the only time when I felt certain I needed to make one materialize from the matter-less void that was my
love life. The lonely know no cruelty like Valentines Day. And when I did have a girlfriend, Valentines
Day was just a yearly opportunity for conflict. Fortunately, after years of healthy marriage, and positive
self-analysis, Ive come to understand that some factors from my youth left me with an affliction thats
common to men Valentines Day Dysfunction Syndrome (VDDS).
Experts say the symptoms of VDDS are many, and range from the mild to the extreme:
- Mentally blocking out Valentines Day until its too late to do something special, and then taking
your date to the obligatory all-you-can-eat buffet.
- Hating guys who insist on seeing Valentines Day as another opportunity to plan a creative date.
- Instead of writing a love poems she asked for, writing a dirge about being manipulated into writing
a love poem.
- Breaking up with a girlfriend before Valentines Day, and getting back together the week after
Valentines Day.
If a man exhibits any of these symptoms, he likely suffers from VDDS. One cause of VDDS in men is
that Valentines Day makes a subtle power play on our culturally ingrained masculine independence.
Take me, for instance. Im no dummy, I watch the truck commercials. Im a freethinking manly-man
with a "dont tell me what to do" attitude. And consider my heroes from TV and the movies and their
impact on my development.
- John Rambo One man, psychologically disabled, vs. dozens of crazed nuts.
- Arnold Schwartzenegger One man, verbally disabled, vs. dozens of crazed nuts.
- Homer Simpson One man, intellectually disabled, vs. dozens of glazed donuts.
My heroes didnt have anybody telling them what to do and always came out on top. They were free
thinkers, not followers.
Thus, VDDS rears its ugly head when I sense the greeting card barons and flower industry magnates using
Valentines Day to manipulate me for profit. My Alpha-male mentality is repulsed when its communicated
that I must buy my "Sweetheart" cards, candies, bouquets, foofy little lacey pillows, and other assorted
trinkets. I get all amped on testosterone and think to myself, "ME, TARZAN, BUY WOMAN GIFT WHEN TARZAN
WANT BUY GIFT!"
Another event that seared VDDS into my being was my first Sadie Hawkins dance. Its no coincidence that
many schools plan their annual Sadie Hawkins dance during Valentines Day. Sadie Hawkins, the dance where
the girls ask the guys, is a not-so-subtle plot by the female illuminati to program the tabula rasa of young
males romance and Valentines Day go hand in hand. That is, if romance can be defined as a girl dragging
some pimply-faced guy in his dads suit coat out to dinner and a dance. My first Sadie Hawkins dance was a
night that left me with trauma induced VDDS.
The dance came along just as I was just exiting my Toughskins and Underoos wardrobe phase it was my
sophomore year of high school. I wasnt a geek, but certainly not popular. I wasnt an agoraphobe, but
I blushed easily and often, even dreading the fact that "Allen" was always the first name called on role
call. I would have died had Christi Coleman my crush learned that I sometimes sniffed the air for the
scent of her Anais Anais perfume when I passed by her locker.
In breaking free of my mother dictating my mojo, I started doing what I saw the cool guys doing I put
mousse in my hair. Unfortunately, the bottle of White Rain I covertly purchased didnt give a play by play
tutorial, and this being pre-Internet, there was nowhere to go for anonymous advice. Thus, I made the
amateurish assumption that more mousse was better than less mousse and ended up wearing a daily coiffure
of concrete. My skull was protected by a Class III helmet of hair - suitable for skateboarding and
bicycling, but not motor sports.
Needless to say the Sadie Hawkins dance was not on my list of things to do over Valentines weekend.
I was hoping to play some RISK. Thus was I the perfect target for Cupid: insecure, hopelessly nave regarding
girls, and without plans the night of the soiree.
Meanwhile, in a social stratosphere far, far, away, a chain of events was set in motion that was beyond my
control. Apparently Ben Biffinger, captain of the wrestling team, beefcake extraordinaire, and until-then-boyfriend
of Christi Coleman, accepted an invitation from Amber to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Christi, dumped by Ben the day
before the dance, had her rep on the line. Through a series of connections to the nether regions of the social
chain, she learned that I didnt yet have a date to the dance. In fact, I barely knew there was a dance! Thus
would I be her straw man. I got the call on Friday evening, just as I was invading Siam from China.
"Hello, Marshall? This is Christi Coleman from school. Whatcha doin?" She spoke as if wed talked on the
phone or in person before. I figured Id play it cool.
"Playin RISK Er, I mean, Im uh, feelin risky" That was stupid, but Cupid had apparently emptied his
quiver into Christis hindquarters she was calling me! This was my big chance to climb the social ladder
to its upper rungs.
"I wanted to know if youll come to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me tomorrow night? Will you?" She sounded
serious, so I moved in for the kill.
"Uh, sure," I mustered suavely.
Thus, was my fate set. Right about then I was thinking that a Sadie Hawkins dance was about the coolest thing
anyone could have invented a girl calls you up and asks you out with no strings attached? What a deal!
I felt great until the next night when we walked into the dance. There was Ben staring at me, his pecs heaving,
with an animalistic look in his eye. Christi paraded me to the dance floor for a slow dance right in front of
her ex. It became apparent to me that I was just Christis date a nameless, faceless guy holding some kind of
position. This must be what its like to date Madonna, I thought to myself.
Ben snarled, grabbed Amber, and stalked to the dance floor, his heat-seeking eyes tracking me. There was no
doubt to his intentions. As Christi and I hugged and swayed, at a moment when I should have been entranced with
romance, I felt raw, naked, primal fear. Unobtrusively at first, I jockeyed Christi around the floor, doing
switchbacks while Ben and Amber gave chase.
Making sure to always spin Christi between me and my aggressor, and still in beat to the music, we danced as
Ive never danced before. Ben and Amber in hot pursuit, we left the crowded confines of the dance floor and
jerkily swayed to the refreshment table. After several laps around the punch bowl, it became clear that
running was futile. Ben would tear my flesh from my bones in front of the entire student body and I would be
known as the worst Sadie Hawkins date ever. I turned to face the music.
"WHADYA DOIN WITH MY GIRL!?" Ben screamed at me in a blind rage. I considered reasoning with him, pointing
out that he, in fact, accepted another date, and that Christi had invited me to the dance. I looked to
Christi for support, but she seemed to be pleased that Ben was saving the day for her. Ben was radiating
heat, his head looked like a cherry red, pulsating road map webbed with throbbing cords and pulsating
veins.
Before I could compose a response, Ben swung his meaty fist at me, a haymaker aimed at my jaw. I flinched
so as not to take it in the face, ducking my head so his sledgehammer of a fist struck me right in the top
of my head, which was fortunately protected by my White Rain engineered Class III helmet. It mustve been
like socking a ball-bearing because Bens face got so screwed up with pain and confusion that he burst into
tears. Shamed by his display of emotional vulnerability, he sprinted from the dance.
Never having been a fighter, I was quite shaken by the event, and unfortunately projected my trauma onto all
Valentines Day related festivities. I would argue that many men have had scarring Valentines dance
experiences that have contributed to their VDDS.
Fortunately, I can write now and say that while I haven't totally been cured of VDDS (it's something most men
will always live with), I have learned how to celebrate a normal Valentine's Day. The key to my overcoming
VDDS is having a patient and understanding wife and refusing to allow an opportunity to celebrate her go by.
It's been a long road to overcoming VDDS, but now I celebrate every Valentine's Day with class, romance and
an extra plate at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
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